2015 and done.

Here’s my reflective post for 2015:

2015 was crap.

On to the resolutions: I didn’t make any except to clean up the kitchen, and I accomplished that task on January 1st. I am not resolving to do or be or learn anything. I’m not writing a checklist of books to read or habits to start. I’m not optimizing my morning, drinking less or putting blocks in my calendar to make sure I meditate, take walks or don’t eat at my desk. I’m just not.

For years, I’ve gone to bed Sunday night thinking “Next week, I’ll start anew. I’ll be better. Tomorrow is the day.” For years I’ve been resolving to meditate every day, take more breaks from my desk, get up earlier, write in a journal daily, express more gratitude and all the other stuff that folks say lead to success and productivity. Sometimes I have a day where it all clicks in, but mostly not and it’s ok.

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“For people like us thinking about the past is depression and thinking about the future is anxiety.”

I have some processes that work for me, my creativity gets muddled when I set out to plan more, be more, optimize more. I find a new thing to learn and new interests and new things I want to do without trying. Mostly, I’m overwhelmed by all the opportunities given to me vis a vie intelligence, education, background, and straight up privilege, there’s no reason to drive myself batty by demanding more of myself.

I’m busy trying to train my brain to understand that it’s all going to work out in the end and if I keep worrying, all the good stuff is going to pass me by. The good stuff like that I’m getting better at being calm. Or the fact that there are multiple people in my life who love me unconditionally. Or that I’m working for an organization that groups people by asking them to self organize based on how many times they’ve been arrested.

I didn’t make a resolution to be more grateful. I’m grateful that 2015 is over. That’s about it.